December 5 – Let Go. 

What (or whom) did you let go of this year? Why? 

(Author: Alice Bradley)

This year I began to let go of the me who still feels like a child, and not in a good way. I don't mean the me that acts giddy and wants to climb trees at inappropriate times. I mean the me that hasn't been able to or wanted to grow up and has been pushed out into the world and told what she and I both know - that's it's the right thing and that we both want it, even as we're scared of it.

I've moved house once this year, from somewhere I lived a long time. Next year I'll be moving again. This new place may not work out, finances may mean that I can't stay in it. I can deal with that. I've said I'll try, better to do that than stay hidden away.

I haven't let go of the fear I feel yet. I don't know if I can. I'm instead learning it's part of live and that it can be dealt with, that it can be controlled and you can ride on top of it, and not let it beat you down.

So the child who can't grow up is receeding a little, being replaced by fear. But it was only fear that was allowing the child to remain so string for so long.

Day Four. Late again. Pattern developing.

Having briefly tried and failed to dredge up memories of how to alter blog templates, create banner headings, etc, etc, I've given up decorating attempts and got back to what matters more. I'm permanently pushed for time right now, so I'll work on building the walls and I'll paint them later.

December 4 – Wonder. 

How did you cultivate a sense of wonder in your life this year? 

(Author: Jeffrey Davis)

I'm not sure I did cultivate a sense of wonder this year. I think I just held on tight while the world rushed past me. I remember being surprised at how fast things moved, how, once set into motion, it can be hard to make things stop. 

Impossible sometimes.


But I don't think I felt much of a sense of wonder at all this year.


That sounds a bit sad, doesn't it.


But perhaps an awareness of that lack will serve me next year.


Hold on. I may be being a little negative here. A sense of wonder doesn't have to stop the waves, or climb on a mountain. A sense of wonder can be simple.


I know I've tried to keep looking, to let myself be aware of beauty rather than letting it slip by, unnoticed. I remember as a child feeling my heart swell with the warmth and brightness of a sunset. And I remember this year being aware how rarely I feel that now.


Ironic really, as I'm more aware than ever that sunsets are numbered, in a way I couldn't conceive of as a child, when summers lasted years, and years lasted decades and life stretched off forever because it had only just started and so much of it was left.


So this year I didn't cultivate enough wonder. But I can try rectify that in these last few days until next year. And onto into 2011.


Wonder.

Day Three. On time.

December 3 – Moment. 

Pick one moment during which you felt most alive this year. Describe it in vivid detail (texture, smells, voices, noises, colors). 

(Author: Ali Edwards)

I'm chosing a moment from today. I like the vividness and immediacy of doing so.

I stand on the beach. Instead of the crunch of shingle, I feel the cold of snow through my boots. The sun casts long shadows of blue, bluer than the sea. The wind is low but the cold still tears at my fingers. It knaws at my face. 

Stella, a Spaniel high on the chill, comes dashing by, ignoring calls from her owner. She is too excited to stop for anything. A guy takes photos until it's too cold. 

The pebbles break through the snow briefly, on a high ridge, pushed higher by the sea. Then snow again, nearly down to the edge of the water.

I feel cold and life in my lungs when I inhale.

Day Two on Day Three. I will catch up . . .

December 2 – Writing. 

What do you do each day that doesn’t contribute to your writing — and can you eliminate it? (Author: Leo Babauta)

Each day I carefully avoid writing by finding a myriad of excuses not to do it. 

I can't find the write notepad to write in. Or, if the paper is right, then my words aren't worthy of writing.

I go to websites and get caught in the details of other lives, instead of my own.

I play pointless, mindless, thoughtless games.

I get tired.

I get bored.

I forget. 

I watch TV.

I tell myself I'll do it tomorrow. 

I tell myself I'll start on Monday. 

I tell myself the beginning of a month is the best time to begin writing. 

I tell myself next year it will be different.

I read other people's words and wonder if I should bother.

I go to bed.

Yes, I can eliminate all these doubts and obstacles. I just did by sitting here, making the time to write and finding the words. Just a few. They add up. I know this. Now I need to remember this.

I've just reread the words at the top of this post. I seem to have seen the question "How do you procrastinate and not write?" So I guess the answer to the original question is that I allow avoidance techniques to work.

Definitely Day One.

Although I am posting this on day two.

And I have just become very aware that I won't be able to access the web easily from around the middle of December till the start of the next year.

Perhaps the limited time will help me focus.

And, with luck, I shall still be able to tweet, if not blog.

Okay, back to day one.

December 1 One Word.
Encapsulate the year 2010 in one word. Explain why you’re choosing that word. Now, imagine it’s one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2011 for you?
(Author: Gwen Bell)


2010 - Change.


I've moved home once this year, and will be doing so again soon.

I've had change imposed upon me this year and I've tried hard to embrace that change.  That sounds a little passive. I have been seeking change for a long time, always found it hard to come by. And, whilst knowing the change was something sought, I've also found it uncomfortable, heart-wrenching, sorrowful. It's cost me and it's cost others close to me. It's been a sacrifice and a struggle. I'm still hoping it's for the best, but from it I've learnt that life is less black and white than even I suspected, that sometimes you cannot know what right or wrong is. Sometimes they don't exist and you have to find your way without even knowing you're on thr right path.


And, perhaps, that is ok.


2011 - Consolidation.

Sounds a little pompous, I know, but both my 2010 and 2011 words came to me fast when I saw the prompt and so that's what I've decided to go with.

Next year I want to build on the change. I want to make it work. I want to feel it's a little less scary. I want to feel that it was the right thing.


We'll see.

Day one. Or two . . .

New blog for a new start . . .

Inspired by others and now hoping to inspire myself.

I've begun a blog, somewhere for me, to clear my thoughts and free my head. And I'm using the opportunity of the reverb10 community to look back on this year and look towards the next.

I'm hoping the structure and support of this will encourage and, yet again, inspire me.